Hey Echo,

(Trigger Warning) I'm not sure what to even expect from this post...maybe just to vent or comfort somehow. I have been diagnosed with anxiety and depression. This first started a few years ago. I found myself pregnant with my current BF but at the time we were only dating for 5 months. I had an abortion because I was honestly too terrified to deal with the situation and felt like I could not tell my parents as they had never met him.

I feel like I rushed the choice and didn't think about it enough. I have regretted that decision ever since. I was in tears during the entire procedure (I was awake for it and in a lot of pain). It was very traumatic for me. I cried for a long time and hated myself. I still think about that baby sometimes. What gender would it have been? I think about how old he or she would be now, etc. I still feel extremely guilty.

However I ended up getting pregnant again and had a daughter. I was starting to feel better after her birth but at times would still get very sad about the loss. Now fast forward 3 years later (and about 6 months ago), I found myself pregnant again. I am still with the same guy and we were going to keep the baby. It was unexpected but we had come to accept it and look forward to it. We told our close family about the pregnancy. Then I got the testing done around 11 weeks and found out my baby had down syndrome. It was also a boy. The lady from the hospital told me this along with my results (I know the gender doesn't matter but it was special after having a daughter and 3 step daughters and knowing how much my SO wanted a son.)

Everyone around me was in agreement that I should not proceed with the pregnancy. They told me life would be too hard for my son and that it was more selfish to bring him into the world than to let him go. They told me that it would be too hard to raise him as it would take time away from my daughter, it would be emotionally exhausting seeing him suffer, people may treat him poorly, etc. I did some research but to be completely honest I was in such a low place that I couldn't bring myself to read any more as I would just break down. My father did a lot of research and I really trust his opinion - I actually talked to a few people in my family that I trust. We decided to have an abortion.

After the first time, and it being extremely heartbreaking, I never thought I would be in the same position again. I had to wait between tests and getting appointments to talk to the genetic counsellor, etc. I couldn't have the abortion until I was 16 weeks along. I couldn't bear the thought of being awake again so I asked to be put to sleep for it and they made a note on my file. I had it done at the hospital around Christmas time. This was such an excruciatingly painful time in my life and I still cry every day.

I miss my baby so much. My due date passed just a short while ago and I keep thinking about how he would be here now. I picture his face, his smile, his laugh. I am just so heartbroken. I always looked forward to having children but never expected to have to go through these experiences or have so much pain surrounding this area of my life. I feel like the worst person in the world for not thinking harder and longer, for not being brave enough to do my own research and fight for my own opinions or desires, for even being in situations like that where poor innocent souls had to die because I was too irresponsible. I still think about my decisions and they haunt me to this day. Someone tell me it gets better. What am I supposed to do? Will these thoughts haunt me forever? How does it get better??? 

From,
Upset and worried mommy! 

Hey Upset and worried mommy,

I had an abortion. I know this feeling all to well. You need to forgive yourself. 

It took me a few years to understand that it’s OK, but I made a decision at that time, with what I had, with what I knew,... and it’s okay. Be kind to yourself. You are not going to hell. You’re actually a really great person... do you think that maybe.. just maybe.. this was supposed to be your story?

That’s what I believe. I believe that I had an abortion, because that is part of my story, and if I hadn’t gone through that, I can tell you that I wouldn’t be who I am today.

I can tell you that I had a traumatic experience. I had an abortion because my boyfriend at the time was extremely abusive. I changed my mind, but it was too late. The nurse was holding me down and put the face mask on... Before I knew it, I woke up to the nurse telling my mom that I shouldn’t have even had one because I was way past 12 weeks. when I was leaving she told me that she didn’t want to see me here again, having one abortion is one thing, but women who keep coming back is another. 

I was fragile, young-ish... and I felt like shit after. I stooped into a really deep depression, I was then raped while I was still bleeding from my abortion by my current abusive boyfriend.... and ended up pregnant AGAIN.

I can tell you, I’ve been there. I’ve been there, crying over the toilet because I thought an abortion would be easy, and that it would just go away and I wouldn’t have to think about it. But you think about it every time you go to the washroom and you see blood for the next three weeks.  
I thought that nurses were supposed to call and check on you.. they didn’t... and I was in pain. I had an infection, I had a high fever and a toddler I was taking care of and going to work with a smile on my face like my life wasn’t in shambles at that moment.

I didn’t tell anyone, I kept it inside. I abused myself with terrible words..  HELL! there was even nights that I hate myself so much that I would go google abortion and force myself to look at all of the terrible things people on the Internet are saying about people who have abortions. I believed them! I punished myself with NEVER having sex.. I punished myself with NEVER going on a date.. I punished my daughter by disconnecting from her because I felt like I didn’t deserve to be a mother!

My mom/s bf- would tell me, “God’s work” or “God’s punishing you” when I found out I had an infection. “Gods punishing you” when I fell ill with the flu..  like everything for years after was because of that ONE TERRIBLE THING I did... 

Well guess what.
One day, someone (a therapist friend) had tea with me. she said, “what kind of things do you say to yourself that no-one else can hear?” 
.... 
“You’re abusing yourself” she said. Every relationship that you’ve ever been in, you’ve been abused by that man. You’ve been molested as a child, sexually assaulted and raped, you’ve been abused by your own family... and now that you’re not being abused..... you’re only doing what you know how.. you’re abusing yourself.
and something shifted. I realized... she’s right!!

One day I was scrolling through pictures and that’s when this picture popped up. 
I realized that it’s true, that it’s OK I had an abortion. It’s okay. it’s OKAY!! I did what I had to at the time. I made a decision based on what I felt and had at the time. I can’t compare who I was then and this situation I was in then, to where I am now.

I’ve grown. I had the abortion, and I’ve grown from it. So have you. We grow every day and we are not who we were then. We don’t have what we had then. 

So I’m telling you so stop hating yourself.
You don’t deserve that kind of abuse. 

You deserve to heal. 
So, in order to heal- you need to see a therapist and start talking. 

Start treating yourself with more kindness, more forgiveness.

I’m sure you question it often.. your worth, and if you’re even worthy of forgiveness? The answer to that is yes. You are worthy of forgiveness, you are worthy of having a happy, healthy life.

It’s okay. It’s time for self love, self care. 

I wasn’t ready. I learned something incredible valuable from my experience.. and I promise.. if you push on, if you keep moving forward instead of being stuck in the past.. if you keep going, seek help, find love, love yourself.. and do what you can to love yourself! you will find peace. you will be at peace and you can move forward, you just need some help. 

The best help, will come from talking to a therapist! 

It’s a dark shadow of a secret and a huge shame to carry- but you don’t even know that you don’t have to.

Because, it’s okay to have had an abortion. 

And to answer your question, yes. Yes it gets better. I promise!

Love, Echo

Hey Echo,

Do you punish your kid for pushing their boundaries on purpose? Like mine is 1.5yo. He knows he is not allowed on the stairs... but sometimes he will stare me down, walk over to the steps and sit on the bottom stair with his sly look on his face. He knows he is not allowed in the kitchen.. so sometimes he will reach his hand to touch the inside wall in the kitchen or just out like a little piece of his foot in the kitchen. While he stares at you cause he knows better. 

Do you ignore these little things, or punish them?

From,

Frustrated Mom

Hey Frustrated Mom,

Let’s change your thinking. Let’s go from “punishment” to “ discipline.” For a more positive parenting experience. A lot of people think that discipline means punishment, when actually it doesn’t mean that at all. Discipline is teaching kids how to do something with practise to avoid issues and prevent them. Discipline...think: ballet, piano, karate, all of these take discipline. Discipline is hard work, practice. discipline is not what you do after they do something you don’t like. 

So if we apply this to those situations...  
Praise him when he’s listening. Babies want your attention. They don’t understand the difference between negative and positive attention, they just know that they want your attention and they are going to get it! I’m willing to bet if you gave baby attention and praise for staying IN the living room, they are more likely to. 

Making your living room and other areas the baby can play in safe and interesting is another positive discipline tactic! If they are busy, interested in something, they are less likely to look for trouble! Maybe asking baby what they want upstairs? Taking them up and looking around for what they needed? And coming back down? 

Getting on the ground and playing with baby when they want your attention.  Using “no” for dangerous and immediate or situations you need your child to STOP is best. 
Try “let’s do this!!” And play with blocks as a distraction from the stairs.

Babies test boundaries. 
“Using a “no, not in he kitchen..” and going to find something to keep them occupied is probably the best way. 

It will be more effective than “punishing”

Love, Echo

Hey Echo,

My wife is 29 weeks pregnant, works full time, plus we have 2 kids- so weeknight sex is probably out of the question. But the weekend rolls around and usually nothing. Sometimes we go 2 or 3 weeks and when we do it’s usually just a “quickie.”  Am I the only one who’s passionate? 
I know sex isn’t everything, but I sit there and think about it all before I go to sleep, I can’t help but think is this what I’m in for for the rest of my life ?

From,

Sexually Frustrated Husband

Hey Frustrated Husband,

Ughhh... man. Been there, still am some days!

Honestly, it’s exhaustion, hormones and the “ughhhh” of life. I totally can see how you might think you may be the root cause of it, but that’s “mostly” not true... I mean, after all.. YOU are the reason your wife if pregnant... ha ha ha, okay, teasing aside- It’s not actually you, BUT there are things you need to do in order to help, and maybe even “get some.” It’s hard to not feel left out, and your ego takes bit of a hit, especially if this is your first baby, but even if it’s your 4th child, it’s hard to understand why all os a sudden your wife is turned off when in the last year or so, you’ve had amazing sex life, and all a sudden it takes a plunge. 
It’s takes a plunge because of allll the shit going on in life, then add pregnancy to the mix. Your wife’s body is working double time. Basically, women are superhero’s, and they don’t slow down, like ever- even when they should. As I can tell from her working a full time job, being a full time mom, AND growing a baby, she’s doing a lot and she’s probably exhausted.

Being a mom is exhausting, and hard. 
It’s the leaking from the vagina... (pregnant woman have discharge all day every dayyyy, sometimes its really leaky and unflattering, and we feel gross if we have to wear a pad all day in the summer.) 
It’s our nipples getting ready for the little baby, (who’s about to want them more than you.) They are sensitive, and painful to touch OR its the opposite, we might feel nothing at all- no sensation and it doesn’t turn us on to touch us.

Some women may be horny during pregnancy, and others completely turned off,  and every pregnancy is completely different, that means this pregnancy is different than ones before.

As women, and as mothers, we always tend to put others first. It all comes down to self-care. We need that time, we need your help to get it. And that’s the whole point of the rest of this article. 

How do you help your wife, and in return, get your intimacy needs met. 

First rule, don’t only do this stuff because you want sex. You’re going to help your wife, because you love her, and because you both need that connection and affection. 

Have an unexpected coffee dates- often.

Find someone to watch the kids for a few hours, or go to a play place, let the kids run wild, grab a coffee, and sit across from each other. IKEA, and McDonald’s have free play places AND coffee-WIN! Nelson and i like to tie this in with our weekly grocery store trips. We leave the kids when we can, grab a coffee in a coffee shop, sit and chat before walking into the grocery store. 
 

Call in some resources, (either your mother or a cleaning service) then you send her away with an appointment time and a gift card to get her eyebrows, nails/ pedicure or something that she needs. Use your resources to plan them to either take the kids so you can clean, or a service to come clean  for you, so you can take the kids out. Bonus if you make a deal with them to tell her they helped. ;) 

Make dinner!

Make her a coffee/ tea, or a glass of water, when she doesn’t ask. 

Try to put in the work, and do the above. If money is tight, it’s WAY worth it to drop a few coffees a week to help your wife. But if can’t do any of the above, picking up extra chores, and doing the dishes before she even gets up, thinks about it or has to ask THAT is a panty dropper. 
It’s that “being ahead” feeling, and the act of random kindness/ appreciation that goes a looooong way. TRUST ME. 

 There was a point in our relationship when I was struggling mentally. Nelson noticed I really needed more help. He started doing the dishes every day. He started bringing me water and randomly making me a coffee, snack and forcing me to take a break in his deep stern sexy voice. 

I remember the first time. I walked into the kitchen and there he was doing the dishes, by hand. It took me a few times to get used to him doing it! The third day of walking in on him doing the dishes after a long day in a physically demanding job, I wanted to take down his pants and blow him in the kitchen right there. because omg.. what’s hotter than a man in Calvin Klein boxers doing dishes after a long hard day at work. He would then help me put the kids to bed, which in our house is a huge, exhausting event.

The point is, you’ve just got to love her, before you “need love.” You know? 

Tell her she’s beautiful today. 

Text her right now and tell her how much you miss her, and cant wait to kiss her later.

Never underestimate the power of giving your wife a huge hug and kiss, while telling her how much you love her when she gets home from work.

When she gets ready in the morning make sure you tell her that you love her hair, or that shirt she is wearing. Like most women, I spend every morning of my day getting dressed and putting on make up or doing my hair, to look sexy for Nelson. I do it because I wanna look beautiful to him. If you just take that few seconds to notice all of the work we put in, it just makes us feel soooo good. A simple “baby, you look sooo good, I think we should go out for lunch because you cant just do laundry looking like that!” *insert hip thrusts*

As women, we have a lot that we need to do! In todays culture, we constantly feel the pressure to need to do everything, do it perfectly, never complain, and smile like you love it.
Men on the other hand, only have one thing that they “need to” do..  as a social standard and that’s not to be perceived as weak. 
Recognizing that, and that It’s OKAY to do the dishes, even if your male friends will tease otherwise. (At the end of the day, it’s you in a happy marriage. Let your friends learn that lesson on their own.) Your wife works extremely hard and household chores are not her job. More women are working in today’s world, and somehow society has not caught up with household chores, many women are working and STILL doing the greater share of household work, AND growing a baby.. So the next time your wife reaches for a vacuum, jump in and say “hey, relax, I’ve got it.” 

Doing some of the above, and doing it everyday, when night rolls around and you want to have sex, she will feel more relaxed, less frazzled, less exhausted, and more willing to reciprocate. 

Sometimes when we have been in a relationship for a while, we sometimes forget that we need to put in the work. I promise that if you remind yourself to love her through small tasks throughout the day, and keep them consistent..  not just because you want some sex.. it goes a looooong way. 

Just love her, show her how beautiful she is.. sometimes it’s helpful to even point out the things that she’s doing that you’ve noticed.. “did you vacuum? Jesus.. you do so much!” 
Nelson held me the other day and whispered into my ear “You do so much for this family. you’re so amazing. You’re what holds this circus together. I love you so fucking much!” It  made me cry. just him noticing how much we do.. we all do better under Praise. 

Also/ it won’t always be like this, but if you step in now and start stepping up your amazing dad/partner game.. it will help in the loooong run. 

If you can secretly get over some resources to help tidy the house and get everything “ahead of” instead of “behind”  even if that means taking the day off work and cleaning the shit out of everything.. or fixing what she’s been begging to be fixed.. it really takes a lot off of our minds. When we don’t have anything to do, and things are off our minds.. we have time to take care of ourselves. 

Psst, it’s okay to set an alarm or reminder to remind you to compliment her, to love her, to show affection or to even do the dishes. it’s easy to get distracted. Also! In the main group, today’s question is “what does your partner do to make you feel loved....”  Start reading! And doing some of those things again. 😍 

It’s easy to get sucked into a routine of boring and expectations.. admittedly, for me I suck myself into It all the time. fall in love with the goddess she is, and help her see it too. 

also, hormones are 100% the factor... thanks BABY.  What makes hormones level a little is proper nutrition, exercise and sleep! (All of the things pregnant women struggle with.) also/ don’t ever say anything if you want to live. Start helping her without her knowing by making a salad with dinner, making her lunches, bringing her lunches, getting up and making a hearty breakfast. Offer a park date every day that you can with the kids and just sit and have coffee (fresh air will tire the kids and help her brain breathe- win, win.) 

And sleep. If you have other kids, start getting up,m if they wake. Get them ready for school in the am so she can get that few extra minutes sleep.. Nelson puts the kids to bed so I can have some “me time” and get ready for bed. I love to brush my teeth and wash my face and put face cream on in SILENCE.. it’s calming.. and when he puts the kids to bed, it’s less annoyance for me. 

Honestly, it’s going to be work.. but it WORKS.. and it makes a lasting relationship. 

I know a lot of men, even some of Nelson‘s best friends that would laugh at this advice.. they believe that their women, that’s their job, and they need to do the stuff by themselves... it’s true. That just creates resentment. More women are working, and the world hasn’t caught up yet, men are still doing less and women are still doing most of the work around the house and holding jobs! sooooo yeah. Get my point? 

Sorry, I love this topic.. and when I get a chance to express myself.. IT FEELS GOOD.

WARNING: I can not be held responsible for the way your wife may react to my advice. She may want more babies, maybe she will want to give too many blow jobs, you may be the best man ever.

Okay okay okay... LAST thing I swear. 

Best advice ever- “just stop and get the flowers for no reason. Just do it. “  or any small gift that can be super inexpensive!! (Like maybe a coffee mug, that says “good morning gorgeous.” Order something from amazon, or indigo (the good morning gorgeous coffee cup is from indigo.))
 

Love,

Echooooooo
 

Hey Echo,

How do you handle porn? I want to not care if my partner watches it but then when I find out I get jealous....like why watch that fake shit when you can have me. He knows it makes me uncomfortable so he stopped, but now i feel bad and I don't want to take anything away from him...He wants to watch it together but i just don’t.. 

From,

Jealous GF

Hey Jealous GF,

It’s okay to not like it. You don’t have to.
I dont like watching men plow women I don’t know, watching women fake orgasms the same way I don’t like black coffee. It’s my preference. Personally it upsets me too! All I see is him and another girl because I don’t look like that! My confidence and worth takes a plunge. I get how it feels, and that’s okay. You don’t have to like everything they do! That would be so annoying.. could you imagine if your partner liked everything you do?! Talk about a little brother following you around everywhere! 

But seriously- you don’t like what you don’t like, don’t feel bad. Good for you for knowing that!  Trust me.. it’s going to be okay. I mean- I’m sure there’s worse things in your relationship than not liking to watch porn together. Does he like to fold laundry with you? Or wash dishes and poop with you?

Love, Echo

Hey Echo,

Welp. Today is officially the day I cry over my body 😑 after having 3 kids nothing is the same. The most upsetting part is my chest. I was never “big chested”, but I had a little bit of something so I didn’t look like a teen pre-puberty. My boobs are now literally non-existent, to the point that an A cup bra is too big 😭 

I can’t wear tank tops or loose fitted shirts without getting completely self conscious of my chest. I can handle the stomach bulge, larger thighs than I’m used to, and a butt that’s more wide than it is “full”, but my chest is where I draw the line 😞.

From,

Body-Conscious Mama! 

Hey Body-Conscious Mama,

Be kind to yourself! 

I want you to first of all know, you are enough. You’re worthy enough, good-looking enough, healthy enough, mom enough, wife enough.. you’re so enough. 

I have these days and Ive learned to stop and ask myself questions like...

When did I eat a healthy meal last? 
Did I get enough sleep last night? 
Do I need a nap? what do I need? 

Usually I’m unhappy and abuse myself like this when I have not had a good nights rest, or food to feed my brain. 

ALSO- give your body time! Did you know it takes 2 years for your body to even be “unpregnant?” 

It’s not as bad as you think it is right now- I promise. This will pass. Just like when you're super happy, tired, excited or angry.. just remember this feeling will too, pass. 

Love, Echo