A Goddess in the Making - My New Vagina!
Today is the day!
With a team of powerful feminists beside me, I WILL GET TO HAVE A CLITORIS! I don’t have one, no.. it was ripped off when I was younger.. but today they will surgically remove pieces to finally have a piece of it, exposed.
I will soon know what it’s like to orgasm, “that” way.
My universe is exploding, yo! *happy tears*
Trigger warning.
Tomorrow is a really big day for me. A Gynaecological- surgeon will be starting the process of reconstructing my vulva.
As most of you know from previous posts; as a child I was touched sexually by another child, and he left a device on my labia that I couldn’t get off for three weeks. I felt ashamed, and tried to hide this from my mom, until she found the leakage of gangrene in my underwear when doing laundry - resulting in an ER trip and countless Child Protection workers, but never a psychologist.
The doctor who saw me said the pieces of my labia that were black would fall off on their own. Some did. Some didn’t. I was left with a mangled vulva that I completely disconnected with as I aged. Later in 2008, I was raped, and then ended up in an abusive relationship with someone who raped me regularly. This was my introduction to how sex feels, and to a long struggle with low self worth. During this phase of my life, I also had three unplanned pregnancies and two live births. I ended up a heartbroken and insecure. I was a single Mom, just trying to do my best.
Then, I met Nelson. OMG. He’s a sex god.
It’s taken me until now — I’m 28 years old — to start to take ownership of my body back. To love myself, to learn how to love myself through how much Nelson loves me.
I have been seeing a therapist, psychologist, sex therapist, and Tantra Coach who have all supported me in my journey to connecting with my body again.
It’s a big improvement, but honestly, I’m terrified, of having a mental breakdown. I’m scared that my PTSD from past trauma will be triggered, making this a traumatic experience. So I’m doing my best to really focus on how much this will mean for me, to have the ripped piece of my labia removed so I can enjoy the pleasure of sex with whatever nerves I have left. It’s a really big deal for me.
Nelson will be by my side, I am ever so grateful for such a caring and understanding man.. who supports me fully.
In the weeks of recovery I’ve got research from therapists, books and exercises to learn how to have sex, enjoy sex, and reclaim my womanhood. I’m ready to be connected to my yoni. To love myself, to truly be available when having sex. This is so much more than removing a permanent physical scar, this is about sex, on so many deeper levels. A rebirth of my sex life, my body, my energy, and me. A goddess in the making. Wish me luck!